Gentilcore-ism : The Written Word of Tony Gentilcore
By Mike Howard
Tony Gentilcore is one of my favorite guys in the industry. Not only does he consistently deliver some of the most cutting edge training and diet info you will find anywhere, but he delivers it in a “spit-coffee-all-over-your-laptop” hilarious way. I have decided to collect a few bites from some of Tony’s pieces over the past year or so. Enjoy responsibly (no drinking and computing)
- Don’t be the asshat doing squats on the BOSU
- That’s not a six pack, that’s your freakin liver dude.
- I bought a Blu-ray player just before Christmas and all I have to say is that it’s pretty much the most awesome thing ever (behind Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage of course).
- Tony’s to do list
1. Get Sexy…………check.
2. Get my butt in gear and start writing articles again…………check (submitted one to t-nation just the other day).
3. Possibly plan a trip to Greece for later this year………check.
4. Destroy the back of my pants for realizing how expensive said trip will cost me………check.
- (On the typical diet book)
1.The book cover consists of some man or woman that probably has never lifted a weight over 30 lbs in their life, standing there with their arms crossed in front of them, possibly wearing a suit, with some smug look on their face as if to say “I totally deserve to be punched in the kidney today.”
2.The first few chapters will have some diatribe on why it’s not the reader’s fault that they’re fat and out of shape. Cause you know, we wouldn’t want people to take responsibility for their own actions.
3. This will be followed by roughly 75-100 pages of recipes that will inevitably taste like sandpaper dipped in herpes.
Tracy Anderson should be nunchucked in the throat.
- As with any other job, there are aspects that are less than appealing. That is, of course, unless your job is to personally oil up Jessica Alba before every one of her photo shoots. That obviously wouldn’t suck.
- Speaking of nicknames, you can call me by mine, Captain McAwesomepants, aka Nighthawk.
- So please, the next time you hear some nimrod personal trainer explain how “x exercise” will target the upper/lower abs, do me a favor and ask yourself, “what would Tony do?”
A. Cordially invite said personal trainer to an open discussion on how retarded (s)he is.
B. Four words: pink dumbbell-to-face.
C. Don’t waste your breath, it’s a lost cause. (S)he probably also thinks muscle soreness is from lactic acid build-up. Or, I don’t know, thinks there’s such a thing as a trapezoid.
D. Who cares! Jennifer Love Hewitt is single again.
E. I think her and I have would have a lot in common.
F. I mean, we’re both single.
G. I like to lift heavy stuff (and watch Top Chef, which has to count for something).
H. She looks really, uh, intelligent.
I. It’s obviously a match made in heaven.
J. How could it not work?
- I have to give her credit – if there are two things that Oprah is good at, its recommending books that I’ll never read, and following atrocious dieting advice.
- Saw the movie“7 pounds” this Christmas night with my brother and his girlfriend. Let’s pass on the formalities, and just say that I could have taken a dump, on top of another dump, and that super pile of dump would have been more compelling than this movie. True story.
- Between walking around Boston Common singing Christmas carols (with my shirt off) and helping old ladies shovel off their sidewalks (with my shirt off), I’ve had very little time to educate my readers on the finer points of beta fatty acid oxidation and such.
- I’m a firm believer that if you train with performance in mind (and you don’t eat like a retard, ahem Oprah.)
- If you’re someone who has been struggling to lose fat and never eat breakfast…….Newsflash: Tony throws an ax into his face.
- I would rather swallow live bees than talk about a women’s menstrual cycle.
- In a fairly recent study/review (Appl Physiol Nutr Metab. 2006 Dec;31(6):647-54), it was rationalized that (and I am paraphrasing here) the Recommended Dietary Allowance (RDA) of 0.8 grams of protein/ kg of body weight was pretty much the most retarded thing ever.
- Christian Slater is totally believable as a tough as nails multilingual operative who kicks major ass in the show My Own Worst Enemy. Two words: show canceled, bitches. Okay, that was three words. Whatever.
- Although some of that is muscle, you also have to take into account that when you gain muscle and get in shape, your blood actually will weigh more because it’s more highly oxygenated.”
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Wow. If that’s not a nuclear bomb of bullshit sauce, then I don’t know what is.
- It still amazes me that people think there is any benefit to performing them (sit-ups). To be honest, I can think of a host of other things that would be more beneficial:
1. Cirrhosis of the liver
2. A nuclear holocaust
3. Four more years of Bush
4. Getting kicked in the balls, repeatedly
5. Another Sex and the City movie
- Note to the retarded guy who will e-mail to let me know there is no such thing as a rhombizoid. You’re a retard.
- Lift heavy shit
*Don’t eat like an asshat
*Throw in some intervals or energy system work
*Repeat
I should write an e-book.
- I’m hereby boycotting any dude who tries to friend me on Facebook who has a shirtless picture of himself as his profile picture. First off, it’s lame. Unless your name is Jessica Alba of course. Secondly, that barbed wire tattoo across your arm is kinda douchebaggy. And lets be honest, you’re not that ripped in the first place.
- Normally, arguing with a pilates instructor over the internet is about as exciting as playing Marco Polo with Helen Keller, but I’ll play along and make this short and sweet. For the love of god, pilates DOES NOT lengthen (or elongate) your muscles.
- After eight sets of dragging on the rubber matting on Saturday I’ve come to the conclusion that I “need” a raging case of Gonorrhea more than I need to drag the sled more. I’d rather masturbate with a cheese grater than look at the sled again.
- Awhile back I wrote on how I felt that most flaxseed oils tasted like buttcrack (Read: all flaxseed oils taste like buttcrack).
- And people make fun of me because I bring my replica lightsaber to the mall to meet chicks. Pfft.
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Mike Howard is a Vancouver, British Columbia-based personal trainer, writer and educator – specializing in fat loss and corrective exercise. He is a regular contributor to Diet Blog (www.diet-blog.com) and has been published in several other local and national publications. Mike has also taught personal training certification courses and is a continuing education provider for trainers. For more information visit www.coreconceptswellness.com
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