No Bull: I Steal Flex Mags
The gym I go to can hardly be considered “hardcore.” Hell, I have to drive 15 minutes to go to one with a squat rack. The clientele is far from hardcore too. There’s a fair amount of senior citizens, a bunch of people who only use the treadmill or the elliptical, and of course, a few bros to make things interesting. However, there aren’t any roided out freaks—at least none that I’ve seen recently—so I found it a bit odd to find FLEX magazine in the magazine rack next to Kelly Ripa and Helen Mirren.
Like an onlooker to a car crash, I had to look. And I had already been thinking of doing a magazine “review” series for FLzine, so why not start with the April (WTF?) issue? I calmly slid it under my sweatshirt as I left (yeah, it wouldn’t have surprised me to be chastised for taking a magazine, so I had to be careful) and started to “read” it when I got home. Boy, was it fantastic.
–Apparently Ronnie Coleman is coming back. I honestly had no idea he left. The cover also boasts 432 pages (at least half of which are supplement ads), 72 workouts and 124 exercises. But then at the bottom it says that it contains five programs to get big and strong. Therefore, the five programs must contain 72 workouts. Brilliant!
–If Joe Weider just turned 88 and is a “Trainer of Champions” since 1936, he’s been training champions since he was 15. Just look at all the training principles he’s invented!
–Flex Lewis’s (who?) travels are chronicled because it was apparently the trip from hell. “After a 15-hour flight to London Heathrow Airport, security saw fit to confiscate his most prized possession: his food.” From now on, I’m calling steroids “food.”
–On the steroid denial note, what continuously cracks me up is the impression given off that these juice monsters are huge because of the Volumaize they took 15 minutes pre-workout.
–Juice Monkey Jay Cutler says that if he was on American Idol, he’d sing “…Baby One More Time.” I’m so inviting him to the summit.
(Alan “bro” Aragon featuring Nick “lil bro” Bromberg”)
–Mary Lado gives us a guide to New Orleans. One of her six places to go is a movie theater. The rebuilding process must not be going well.
–Hydroxycut Hardcore has a five star rating system for fat burners. However, only those that are given one star are considered “a complete rip off posing as a fat burner.” We give this 1.5 stars.
–There’s an ad that says “GET MORE” on the top, with a fitness model in the doggy-style position with her ass to the camera. Hmmm…
–Chulsey Graham’s thigh routine is revealed! He does four sets each of smith squats, leg presses, leg curls and leg extensions. (I swear I’m not making this up.) He feels that higher reps build size, endurance and greater separation in his thighs. I think I sense Leigh’s next program!
–Dorian Yates says that his narrow hips and longish legs are better suited for leg presses and smith machine squats. I mean, who are we to argue? He’s only a six time Mr. Olympia.
–FLEX did a “study” which found that one arm dumbbell rows let you move more weight than bent over barbell rows. However, there was no mention of the fact that in the one arm row version they’re referencing YOU FUCKING USE YOUR OFF ARM FOR SUPPORT!
–Jenn Gates sculpts each muscle to blend in perfectly with every other muscle. Email me if you have any idea what that means.
–FLEX’s fast fix meal of the month is a 382 calorie chicken wrap from Sonic. Seriously, if you’re training to get hyoooge, who the fuck is going to eat one of those for a meal?
–Oreo thin crisps are now an acceptable PWO snack. Hell yeah!
–Is Ronnie Coleman the best bodybuilder of all time? I have no idea, but I’m leaning towards yes, because not many roided out freaks can pull of the Moses look, complete with a cardboard Ten Commandments Tablet.
–Juice Monkey Cutler says that focusing on barbell movements lost his separation and made his waist wider. Poor guy. But on the bright side, he doesn’t hump up his barbell rows anymore. Good thing, I don’t want to see him humping anything.
–Actually, the 20 tips to get ripped aren’t all that bad. Sure, the frequent meal theory may be bullshit, as are five or six other tips in the article, but on the whole, it’s probably the best thing in the magazine.
–FLEX lists the top 10 heavies hitters of the UFC, still putting Chuck Liddell at #4 despite sucking and being old. It must be the painted toenails.
–“Within seconds of your very first dose of ANABOLIC HALO, you’ll feel a chilling avalanche hit the back of your throat. Then you know it has begun… your most dramatic musclebuilding transformation ever.” I’m just leaving that one alone.
–“For example, I never got my shoulders separated by doing an hour and a half on the treadmill. SO I realized I was going to have to do cardio for each bodypart. That means light weight and lots of reps, because that’s what cardio is.” Holy shit! So that’s what the pink dumbbells are for!
–More goodness from Moe el Moussawi: “When I flex my (blank), I always feel it more than for any other bodypart, as if it’s a natural gift. That means I always get a good pump in it. That’s what makes the muscle grow. I’m hoping to get my whole body to do that.”
–Admit it, you thought he was talking about his weiner and not his arms.
–“Caffeine delivers actual energy to the body by inducing fat stores to release fat to burn for fuel. This reduces the size of your love handles.” If that’s truly the case, then why are the people who order the double quarter pounder value meal—super sized—with a Diet Coke not ripped to shreds? And I drink 40-60 oz of Coke Zero and coffee a day. Why can’t I see my abs?
–Awww, five pages later it says you can build up a tolerance to caffeine. Damn you FLEX, I just shotgunned three Coke Zeros. Now I’m going to have to pee.
–If “Vitrix promotes a dramatic increase in your natural testosterone production so you can have the best sex you ever had,” will it work in the weight room too? I think they’ve severely mismanaged their marketing strategy.
–Why is FLEX putting out a guide for hardgainers? The only people in this freaking magazine with normal male testosterone ratios are the women.
–The 2009 NPC Bikini Division Guidelines state that all swimsuits must be in good taste. Apparently that provision isn’t written into the Mr. Olympia rules.
–“Female bodybuilding has long endured mixed reviews from those who consider bulk and sensuality to be an oxymoron. Bergmann and German-born Anja Langer are offered as examples of women whose lines and looks invoked the standard male responses to a sexy woman.”
–Next month’s issue promises to follow Silvio Samuel for an entire day so no one would ever have to stay up at night wondering what he ate. Methinks there’s going to be some edits.
Nick Bromberg has written for the Kansas City Star, The Big Lead, The Sports Frog and other websites and publications. Nick graduated from the University of Missouri Journalism school in May of 2008 with a degree in News Editorial. Nick is currently studying for his C.S.C.S and has attended the JPFitness Summit for the past four years, an event he loves so much that he’s hosting the 2009 edition in Kansas City, MO. You can find Nick hanging out online at the FLzine forums, The Sports Frog and the JPFitness Forums.
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